Happy Birthday Granny_

Today is your birthday.

This to me is the most important day now. It’s the day that 71 years ago a large part of my family and the life I know was put into motion.

You were and are the most influential woman in my life (aside from my own mother of course)

Every few days I get winded by an idea. A picture. A memory. It’s hard to breath and tears sting my eyes. It’s agony.

While I watch Bed knobs and Broomsticks, or The Land Before Time or simply sit at work listening to a song that you had sung to me time over.

It hits.

I try to immerse myself in memories of you but it often ends up more painful than I can handle.

71 you say? Too soon you say? Absolutely! In a world conditioned to expect Gregory House to step in at the last minute to save the day, sometimes questions are left unanswered.

I watch my family from afar painfully aware of how everyone is coping. Each in their own way, some open and grieving some quietly thoughtful… But we all feel the same way.

Standing up on June 5th and speaking at your funeral was one of the hardest things I’ve even done. The room was overflowing with love and loss and dare I say it disbelief. Disbelief that such a wonderful soul was gone before her time.

You gave the best hugs, the best back scratches and glitter glued the best remotes.

There are things I miss, there are things that I look forward into the future and know will be hard without you. But the two things that break my heart every time I think about them, the things that I’ve dreamed and planned. Two things that I just knew you’d be there for, knew that you would be part of that day, just knew it!

…The day I was supposed to hand you our newborn, our perfect little creation and know that they to get to experience the love, acceptance and kookiness you exude and that you’re someone they knew as they grew and not just a distant memory…. and looking out on my wedding day standing next to the love of my life, surrounded by the people that I love and cherish with all of my heart and looking over the sea of loved ones and not being able to look into your proud reassuring eyes and just know you got to see that moment.

Day by day it does get easier. The moments grow further apart.

The dull space in my chest doesn’t budge but my eyes sting a little less each time.

When you were here I wanted to introduce you to everyone I met and talk about you endlessly. I always told people that if they, “did one thing before they died, they had to hear my Gran sing”.

I still hear you singing in my head…. Today you’re singing, “When the lights go on again all over the world”…. Yesterday, “This is the moment”… tomorrow or the next day who knows.

I just really hope you never stop singing…

It’s been raining on and off all day and it’s just started again. Today has been hard. Work has been long and I haven’t been able to concentrate for more than a minute.

But today happened, and it will happen again. We just need to keep moving forward, celebrating life and caring for each other.

Tonight I’m taking the love of my life to a movie about a Giant Shark getting stuck in a shopping centre after a freak tidal wave.

You would have loved it.

Until next time_

Smash xx

Early Morning Thoughts

Halfway between Scarborough and Redcliffe foreshore : 23rd May 2012 || I’ll meet you half way…

Just some thoughts from an early morning drive to the airport…..

Nothing of substance really. I just needed to put them somewhere.
Somewhere for no one to read but for everyone to hear.

1. I am so lucky to have the family I do around me. So lucky to have the support and love and conversation and appreciation that exudes. We’re a bunch of compassionate smart arses and we don’t make any apologies or pull any punches for who we are, how we are and what we think.

I admire every one of them and the times we’ve shared before, now and forever.

If my life were a video game leading up to this moment each of them would have been my spirit guide on each level.
My heart and mind would have been a puzzle made up of half translucent pieces sitting up in the top right hand corner of my vision since the day I was born.
In a flurry of checkpoints and a flash of sparkle they would have each given me a piece as I faced each challenge. Each piece making my heart and mind fuller and stronger to face this moment and even then, knowing that this time I would need them all as lifelines to get through our greatest challenge yet.

I love them.
I need them.
and that will never change.

2. I am sharing my life with a reflection of my own soul. She is beautiful and smart and in July 2010 she gave me another piece of the puzzle.
Her’s was after fighting the lv 20 boss and was a piece for my mind with a blue glow of admiration and a piece for my heart with a green glow of promise.
She has graciously and lovingly accepted my family’s warm (“you have no choice you are automatically part of us now”) welcome.

But most of all she has stood up with us as an equal part and made the last few days as a family the most heart wrenchingly special time and potentially some of the greatest memories I’ll have of everyone together.

She’s so very brave and supportive and I have been so very lucky to have her by my side for what little time she could get away from her study.

I find myself looking at her sometimes and wondering what I did so right to be lucky enough to have someone so magical as part of my life. I fall in love with her a little more every day.

3. I’m a 90’s Game Nerd who compares her life to multilevel rpg games to make some sense of what’s going on. You should hear my description on university and exams verses Pokemon for gameboy colour and rare candy!

4. There is a physical capacity to the number of people you can say goodbye to at once and after about 72 hours in Queensland and a 4am drive to the airport to drop my lady off…..I’m reaching that point. I don’t know what happens when you get there but it can’t be much worse.

Until next time_

Smash xx

A Character Count and a Promise

So, this isn’t a post. Well not an official post.

 

This is a, “I have a draft saved on my desktop and once I’ve checked it, it will be here soon” kind of post.

 

Sorry, have I disappointed you?

 

 

Lets just say the post gives a general update on life, career, love and aspirations… but has accidentally centred on a customer I had at work today.

(for all not in the know I work a couple of days a week at a butcher to keep the rent paid between contracts)

 

 

His name was mick and he had a cat named rusty and he was wearing a (large)green saint pats day hat. Today was his one year wedding anniversary. He had been out partying since Friday and was in big trouble and the way he was going to fix it all was to buy a roast – a big one.

 

Oh the hilarity!(sarcasm?)

You hooked yet?

 

– he was SO sweet – he was SO off his face –

 

I kind of hope he doesn’t remember my name.

 

 

But that’s it – I’ve just made Lady play ‘The Duck Song’ on Youtube before we fall asleep. She put it on and has left the room in protest. I don’t know what her problem is, I love the duck song.

 

 

Before I turn Mr. M.B. Pro off for a an evening of sitting idle I wanted to pass on a link to my newest obbsession.

 

 

Pinterest – it’s dangerous. Another platform for the (slightly) hidden materialistic, self-obbsessed and nostalgic parts of me.

(But most of all it’s pretty!)

 

Miss Smashlee’s Pinterst

 

Check it out if you like.

 

 

But I just wanted to say Hi. Because it felt like the most useful task to use to procrastinate. I am supposed to be doing ‘self directed study’ for my First Aid update tomorrow. Winner.

 

 

I have all of these notes in my phone about what to blog about. What things I want to ramble about. But not the time to do so. I’m hoping on the plane while on tour will be the best time. No internet Meme or Pin distractions. On tour? you say. Yes. More about that later.

 

 

Until next time_

Smash xx

trawl, bookmark, favourite, fight.

No matter how perfect, level headed and sensible a couple seems. Everyone fights.

Whether it’s niggling at each other in jest or a big blue every month or so; it happens. It’s natural and keeps a relationship healthy and fresh.

It’s well documented that the biggest triggers are money and stress. Then comes the string of other things: exhaustion, children, house moves, large events, who left the toilet seat up etc, etc…

Over the last few months Lady and I have been exhausted; stressed; studying; looking for a house and after finally attaining ‘the’ house, the associated costs. Suffice to say we’ve had our fair share of healthy blow-ups. Nothing colossal or unnerving that has made me question anything, just little misunderstandings that have escalated because of our state of mind and a myriad of outside pressures.

Why did I bring this up?

…because I want to bitch or complain about being an individual who’s thoughts and feelings are unique and have never been felt by anyone else in the history of humankind?

…because I want to comfort myself in the knowledge that everyone is the same and I’m really not as obscure as I first thought?

No.

It’s because I’m curious of people’s coping techniques. You know, that thing (or few things) you do to make it roll off your back. That thing you do when you’re feeling set upon or defeated. That one thing that distracts you enough to keep you attentive but not actively there?

Well it turns out…

…my ‘coping’ technique may, or may not be Etsy.

Ridiculous no? Though after looking back, definitely a tried and true habit.

People who know me know that my rule with online shopping is generally nothing over $5 including postage unless it’s something REALLY pretty or something I’ve been after for a long time (for example the toaster I bought on ebay for $20 last week that arrived today, YAY toast!). It’s my way of treating myself while keeping to a budget and there are lots of cute little things to treat oneself to.

So, it means that my habit is not necessarily unhealthy or overtly bad for my bank account. I just find it odd, because as soon as I pick up the scent of conflict and have a laptop or phone in front of me. Off I go into the ethos of handmade goodies.

So all those weeks ago, while lady was expressing her err, point(?) on that particular subject and situation, I was shopping. Just sitting there; searching ‘turquoise’ and ‘unicorn’ on Etsy with listings running from least expensive upwards.

Just trawling; bookmarking; favouriting …and fighting.

Totally inappropriate looking back now but so hilariously me.

In the last few weeks the three things I bought (for a total of $12.75, bargain!) have arrived one at a time.

I tell you the look I’ve received when asked when and where I’ve bought something and the answer is, “Oh, um on Etsy, that night we were fighting about…”, it’s priceless and has me in fits of giggles every time.

My poor lady puts up with all of the immature crap I come up with on a daily basis; I really am lucky to have her.

But in other news look at the three pretty new things we have (we? Ha-ha who am I kidding).

Ah dear, I really am a bit of a smart arse and a handful. But we’ve been through so much already for a relatively new couple. So many things that some people don’t even begin to think about, even well into a marriage.

With these moments conquered and behind us I hold high hopes for the future and anything that’s out there waiting.

You know what, as a side note we haven’t properly fought since being in the new house, it certainly has a harmonious feel about it.

mmm home.

Until next time_


Smash xx

accountability : [uh-koun-tuh-bil-i-tee] – noun

What do you get when you put together a sunny weekend, new music, the ‘ole ball and chain two states away and all your dirty clothes washed and hung out?!

A boozed up weekend putting all of your clothing on at once (think : Something like this…) and dancing around to a Glee Megamix you say?

Sadly, no.

As much fun as doing that would be. As hilarious as a video of someone partaking in that extravaganza would be.

What the above means, among other fun things I’ve done this weekend, is…. An on time post!!

Pyro_GO!

No? Yeah I thought as much.

*Segue Kicks That Tumble Weed*

Well, I thought I’d share my thoughts about a pretty broad question someone asked me the other day.

“When do you become an adult?”

I thought about it for a little while and fumbled over my words trying to give a concise, constructive answer.
What I said was something along the lines of, when you have to make a big life decision or do a business deal negotiating with more zero’s than you earn in a week. I think I was referencing in my head my move to Melbourne and the bartering with the removal-storage dudes.

I still kind of agree. Though after more thought on the matter I realise that in my mind the great theme of adulthood is accountability.

Or rather the degree of accountability.

The more people you effect when you screw something up and the magnitude to which you can screw up grows with age and wisdom.
I don’t know if those moments of making that decision with so much to lose ‘make’ you an adult . But they must make you feel like one, surely? You know, making decisions that are sensible that suck.

For example, you lose your job…
At 15 ….. Can’t go to the movies etc. with friends. Well, you can, you just need to beg the parentals.
At 18 ….. Can’t pay the deposit to go to the coast for your best friends 18th. Can’t go out drinking, partying, road-tripping, festivaling.
At 20 ….. Can’t buy food, Can’t pay rent. Can’t pay for a Bus fair to get to Uni. Can’t pay for internet. Can’t pay for phone bill. Can’t buy materials for your assignment due in tomorrow or for the next term.
At 25 ….. Can’t get the ring. Can’t pay off your first new car. Can’t buy fuel to get to work. Can’t pay rent. Can’t pay credit card bill. Can’t pay Internet. Can’t pay phone bill. Can’t pay health insurance, gas, and electricity. Can’t buy food. Can’t save for a wedding. Can’t go on holiday…

I can’t really pass judgement on any age higher than that, I think 25 is the outer edge of the realms of my understanding of age versus accountability.
But then I imagine comes Mortgages, Kids, Hospital Bills, School Fees etc. I’m sure as I get closer to these I will be WELL aware of the issues that face me, thank you very much.

I suppose what that boils down to is my belief that –

The definition of growing into an adult is building up accountability around you.

&&

The definition of being an adult is gauged by what you have to lose.

So I guess in saying that, I’m saying if you don’t take chances, leaps of faith, fall in love or go out on a limb. You can’t really ‘grow up’ or become an adult.

Makes sense really.

It’s like all the pinching-your-cheek old ladies who warned you not to “wish away your youth”, to “appreciate your care free ways”…. “Before it’s too late”

Then you get to twenty-one and you know one day soon. Just as it all get’s faster. You’ll wish for this ride to stop. So you can take a moment and just rest in this life, in this age, in this moment that has less accountability than tomorrow, and every day after that.

Until next time_
Smash xx

Raindrops on Roses.

Doh!

I missed Sunday again – was too busy taking advantage of a beautifully warm sunny Melbourne day doing washing, laying in the sun and cranking out the rental applications.

But here I am on Monday, another surprisingly beautiful Melbourne day. The sun is shining the sky is clear and blue and I’ve endeavoured to finally unpack today – properly!
I’m finally unpacking in an effort to alert ‘Murphy’ to the fact that I am now completely settled in this little house with my lady and the last thing I want is for him and Mister Universe over there to give us one of the houses we’ve just applied for.
(*Whispers* : Because then I’ll just have to pack it all up again and make tracks)

Oh PLEASE Mister Universe and Mister Murphy with your unforgiving law! Please provide us with a home soon. We have been ever so good and we would be ever so grateful.

Yes. Felt it best to get the begging over with at the beginning, so the blog would take an incline rather than a whiney self-loathing decline.

So, on with the show.

My time down here so far has been wonderful. I had every intention of posting last Sunday.

My lady and I had, had a very productive morning (re. uni work, washing, house apps) and ended up at St Kilda for the afternoon. It was such a beautiful day, the sun was shining and it was a bit windy. We sat out on the pier where we could hear the Penguins just underneath the rocks and ate yummy, cheap pastries we had picked up just around the corner from her house.
We walked along the ocean and spoke about the future and wound up at Luna Park and his Giant Mouth, which sadly is undergoing maintenance and wasn’t that exciting.

It was a truly lovely day and a fine way to finish off my first crazy week.

What stopped me posting about this glorious day and my first wonderful week down here?
Well, you know how you get excited about your day and your life and just the little things? How you’re so lucky, so loved, so excited?
..and then you get a call, or an email, or see a news report, or read the paper…. And nothing seems to matter. Your excitement pales in comparison to the devastating things around you and you just don’t feel like sharing.

Well, that happened.
That moment where you just want to sit and be there for each other, rather than whoring yourself to the Internet. Those moments that you just want to ‘be’. You just want to have a moment to yourself, with yourself.

…yeah.

So folks. An excuse again, but I didn’t feel it was right. The innocence and excitement of the big move and our lovely day at the beach had gone.

I don’t feel like I’ve moved very far. I’d spent so much time working and sleeping over my last few months in the north that it just doesn’t seem any different.
Every now and then I’ll get a pang of missing someone. Of missing certain people in silly little situations. Every now and then I’ll reminisce and feel a little bit hollow. But it never stays too long. It goes away.

I just take a moment and go for a walk and look at where I am and what I’m doing and find myself feeling truly grateful.

Everything is beautiful. The tree’s and flowers slowly starting to regain their leaves. The rustic terrace housing. The birds sound different, the critters are different. The transport police (sigh) are different.

I think what I love the most about this town is it’s freshness of ideas. It’s willingness to try something different and quirky and generally making the most of a sticky situation.
Cute bars where you can sit in the morning get a stack of pancakes and a fantastic coffee… a fresh juice to go and come back in the afternoon for a cocktail and some dinner…
Where you say? Everywhere. That’s standard. Good Coffee is a given and cafés have chameleon personalities. Personalities of interiors, flavours, locations and folk.
The public, the patrons, the coffee drinkers are willing to support these places, support these ideas.

It’s just refreshing I guess. A whole generation of entrepreneurs with a whole city at their fingertips waiting for the newest, hippest, funkiest new thing to arrive.

I wouldn’t call Brisbane backward. It’s home and it is what it is. But even in good old ‘vegas my lady and I would walk down the street hand in hand, and would get odd looks and the odd ‘you’re going to hell’ stare from the blue rinse brigade, which is fine – it happens.

But down here…
Not even a second glance.
Not even a raised eyebrow.

//This is my city.

Until next time_

Smash xx

Forgive me….

This is going to be a fairly pointless post…

Purely to say, I’m currently setting up my house for my big Goodbye Bash this evening so this, is my Sunday post.

I wish I could write a big one about the last week but I just don’t have the time.

We’ve put in an application on our perfect first house and I hope that the universe is steering me in the right direction – it feels like it is.

I know that whatever does eventuate will be the right thing for me…

So in saying that I’m going out to buy some snacks and some drinks and get into the party mood with my current all-girl-super-house.
While I’m being busy/productive/aloof… I wanted to let you know that I’ve made a new page on this here bloggy. If you’re interested check out some of my favourite internet stalks at the mo’ ( Good for the Soul ), at the very least you’ll enjoy the pretty pictures hehe

I’ll leave you with a quote that in the last few days has become such a very true statement in my mind.

Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.

Lads and Lasses, with so much stress in life and all this fast-motion-crazyness just take a moment every now and then for your butterfly…

Until next time_
Smash xx