Happy Birthday Granny_

Today is your birthday.

This to me is the most important day now. It’s the day that 71 years ago a large part of my family and the life I know was put into motion.

You were and are the most influential woman in my life (aside from my own mother of course)

Every few days I get winded by an idea. A picture. A memory. It’s hard to breath and tears sting my eyes. It’s agony.

While I watch Bed knobs and Broomsticks, or The Land Before Time or simply sit at work listening to a song that you had sung to me time over.

It hits.

I try to immerse myself in memories of you but it often ends up more painful than I can handle.

71 you say? Too soon you say? Absolutely! In a world conditioned to expect Gregory House to step in at the last minute to save the day, sometimes questions are left unanswered.

I watch my family from afar painfully aware of how everyone is coping. Each in their own way, some open and grieving some quietly thoughtful… But we all feel the same way.

Standing up on June 5th and speaking at your funeral was one of the hardest things I’ve even done. The room was overflowing with love and loss and dare I say it disbelief. Disbelief that such a wonderful soul was gone before her time.

You gave the best hugs, the best back scratches and glitter glued the best remotes.

There are things I miss, there are things that I look forward into the future and know will be hard without you. But the two things that break my heart every time I think about them, the things that I’ve dreamed and planned. Two things that I just knew you’d be there for, knew that you would be part of that day, just knew it!

…The day I was supposed to hand you our newborn, our perfect little creation and know that they to get to experience the love, acceptance and kookiness you exude and that you’re someone they knew as they grew and not just a distant memory…. and looking out on my wedding day standing next to the love of my life, surrounded by the people that I love and cherish with all of my heart and looking over the sea of loved ones and not being able to look into your proud reassuring eyes and just know you got to see that moment.

Day by day it does get easier. The moments grow further apart.

The dull space in my chest doesn’t budge but my eyes sting a little less each time.

When you were here I wanted to introduce you to everyone I met and talk about you endlessly. I always told people that if they, “did one thing before they died, they had to hear my Gran sing”.

I still hear you singing in my head…. Today you’re singing, “When the lights go on again all over the world”…. Yesterday, “This is the moment”… tomorrow or the next day who knows.

I just really hope you never stop singing…

It’s been raining on and off all day and it’s just started again. Today has been hard. Work has been long and I haven’t been able to concentrate for more than a minute.

But today happened, and it will happen again. We just need to keep moving forward, celebrating life and caring for each other.

Tonight I’m taking the love of my life to a movie about a Giant Shark getting stuck in a shopping centre after a freak tidal wave.

You would have loved it.

Until next time_

Smash xx